I can’t remember much about the first few hours after the boys were born.
When I think about it now there is just nothing, an empty space where memories should be.
Here is what I remember. I remember being passed both boys to hold as I was wheeled out of theatre. I remember being worried that I didn’t have the energy to hold them. I was scared I would drop them.
I remember feeling panicked as I really noticed that I was numb from the waist down. I couldn’t feel my legs at all. I tried to move them but I couldn’t.
I remember shaking uncontrollably; every part of me was shivering. I was told I was in shock.
I don’t remember the phone calls made to introduce our family to the boys. I don’t remember seeing them settle and sleep in their cot together. I don’t remember breastfeeding them for the first time. The next thing I remember was half a day later.
I woke up; the midwife asked how I was feeling. I said I felt like I had been ‘hit by a truck’; I wondered why the hubby looked so worried. I went back to sleep and the next thing I remember, was four hours later.
My husband and family had to take it in turns to feed the boys through syringes in this time. I was not well enough to breastfeed them again that day.
I remember my mum and dad leaving; they had been there for hours but I don’t remember this visit. I was apparently conscious for some of this, but I just have no recollection.
I remember my Dad saying they were going to go and leave me to rest. As he said goodbye to me he was crying. These were not happy tears. Fear and worry shone out of his eyes. I was at least alert enough for me to realise that he was worried about me. I was not in a good place.
The next thing I remember is waking up that evening.
I feel incredibly cheated that I missed so much of the boys’ first day. My husband tells stories of watching them sleep when they were only a couple of hours old, watching them lie side-by-side making the same intricate hand and arm movements. Movements so complicated, yet synchronised like they knew what each other was doing. He says it was fascinating to watch.
I don’t feel angry about this loss, I just feel incredibly sad.