First Hours (F)


I can’t remember much about the first few hours after the boys were born.

When I think about it now there is just nothing, an empty space where memories should be.

Here is what I remember.  I remember being passed both boys to hold as I was wheeled out of theatre.  I remember being worried that I didn’t have the energy to hold them.  I was scared I would drop them.

I remember feeling panicked as I really noticed that I was numb from the waist down.  I couldn’t feel my legs at all.  I tried to move them but I couldn’t.

I remember shaking uncontrollably; every part of me was shivering.  I was told I was in shock.

I don’t remember the phone calls made to introduce our family to the boys.  I don’t remember seeing them settle and sleep in their cot together.  I don’t remember breastfeeding them for the first time.  The next thing I remember was half a day later.

I woke up; the midwife asked how I was feeling.  I said I felt like I had been ‘hit by a truck’; I wondered why the hubby looked so worried.  I went back to sleep and the next thing I remember, was four hours later.

My husband and family had to take it in turns to feed the boys through syringes in this time.  I was not well enough to breastfeed them again that day.

I remember my mum and dad leaving; they had been there for hours but I don’t remember this visit.  I was apparently conscious for some of this, but I just have no recollection.

I remember my Dad saying they were going to go and leave me to rest.  As he said goodbye to me he was crying.  These were not happy tears.  Fear and worry shone out of his eyes.  I was at least alert enough for me to realise that he was worried about me.  I was not in a good place.

The next thing I remember is waking up that evening.

I feel incredibly cheated that I missed so much of the boys’ first day.  My husband tells stories of watching them sleep when they were only a couple of hours old, watching them lie side-by-side making the same intricate hand and arm movements.  Movements so complicated, yet synchronised like they knew what each other was doing.  He says it was fascinating to watch.

I don’t feel angry about this loss, I just feel incredibly sad.

Holding head in hands over missed first hours

The Secret Diary of Agent Spitback


  1. randommusings29
    April 8, 2016 / 12:51 am

    It is sad that you missed out on those first few hours. It sounds like you were pretty ill though so maybe it’s best you don’t remember it!

    • April 9, 2016 / 7:56 am

      I think it was for the best to be honest. It was much worse for my family who were watching on helplessly xx

  2. April 8, 2016 / 3:13 am

    Awww. Well Mom needed time to recover! Your body went through something pretty traumatic, so you had to get rested so you could take care of them. I’m sure you’ve made up for all those missed seconds since!


  3. April 8, 2016 / 6:12 am

    I can’t begin to imagine that sadness, it must have felt like you were robbed. It’s so important to soak up every moment and memory that you’re able to, isn’t it?xx

  4. twotinyhands
    April 8, 2016 / 9:14 am

    You needed to get better! It’s great your family were there to support you and your babies. Don’t be sad, look at them now, a real credit to you x

  5. April 13, 2016 / 3:45 pm

    Awww…. I feel sad reading this. But you were ill and it was best that you had to get some rest. I know things can’t be helped but look on the brighter side you are there with them now and that’s what count. Big hugs. xx Thank you so much for sharing your emotional and personal story with us on #FabFridayPost

  6. April 13, 2016 / 10:37 pm

    Very poignant. Hopefully those missed hours have been compensated by all the hours since. Glad to find your post through #passthesauce

  7. April 14, 2016 / 10:29 am

    I can imagine how hard this was, but I’m glad everything worked out okay and you had your family there being so supportive! Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie x

  8. April 14, 2016 / 7:04 pm

    i always say it must be bad if my dad cries. what a stressful time you’ve had. hope you can find lots of happiness now. #coolmumclub

  9. April 15, 2016 / 2:57 pm

    Oh I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you at the time darling. I hope that life will make up for those hours lost many times over. Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

  10. April 16, 2016 / 11:06 pm

    Sorry to hear you had such a rough entry into motherhood. I’ve only seen this one post so I don’t know if there are other posts on your blog about this. Anyway, thanks for joining us on #passthesauce

    • Double the Monkey Business
      May 3, 2016 / 7:51 pm

      It was a rough time in my life, that is for sure. The little cheeky grins I see on a daily basis more than makes up for it 🙂 x

  11. nikkifrankhamilton
    April 20, 2016 / 1:01 am

    The mind and body are incredible, they protect us from so much. But it stinks when there are times you would like to remember and can’t. I don’t remember much after the kids were born, but yours sounds as if you were completely exhausted as well as in shock. Thankfully there were others there to take care of you. But I’m sad for you, that you don’t have these memories to hold on to. xx

    • Double the Monkey Business
      May 3, 2016 / 7:54 pm

      The mind and body is incredible and I definitely shut down on that first day, which I am sure was for protection. x

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