Now: Is this therapy? Part 1

Word Cloud

Word CloudI went to counselling for a while last year.  Although this was a challenge for me at first, I am really positive about the benefits of this kind of help. I have come to realise it takes strength to face your demons.

I am lucky though.  I have a supportive family and in this instance I had a wonderful friend who encouraged me to make the call. You know who you are and for that – and all the other times you have been there for me, of which there have been many – I thank you.

As I picked up the phone and dialled the number, my hands were shaking and heart racing.  I felt nervous.

I had conflicting feelings at the time.  Even though I had been to counselling before, I still struggled with taking this step.

My inner dialogue went something like this:

“Surely I should be over this by now…”

“…But I nearly died.”

“I didn’t though and my children are here in front of me, happy and thriving…”

“…But I feel angry that I missed the first few days of their life.”

“Everything is okay now, just get over it…”

“…But I have horrible flashbacks of what happened, which makes me feel sick and panicky.”

And so on….

Eventually, I made the call.  The first time, I hung up before anyone answered.  They called back but I was too anxious to answer.  A few hours later, I dialled again.  A very friendly lady answered the phone, took my details and booked me in.  I realised that it wasn’t a sign of weakness (a word that I hear people use in connection to therapy all too frequently) that I needed somebody to talk to.  Rather it was a sign of strength and determination to deal with my experiences, ensuring that I could appreciate the boys’ early years.

I went to my sessions. They were brilliant and really helped me see things clearly.

The counsellor was welcoming and calm; he asked me open questions and listened intently.  He didn’t judge me.  He gave me time and space to talk about how I had been feeling.

It felt good to speak to someone who didn’t have any emotional attachment to the situation and could look at it impassively, without concern.  I feel it is important that he didn’t give me advice because it was more about coming to my own conclusions.

I didn’t feel that I was wasting the man’s time.  At the end of my first session, he suggested that I was suffering from PTSD.  I was not entirely surprised.  Up to this point I had wondered if it was post-natal depression.  Later, while researching this blog, I have found out that, sadly, PTSD is very common in cases such as mine.

This whole experience got me thinking: why don’t I write it all down?  That’s why I started this blog.  Perhaps subconsciously I sought to use it as a different type of therapy.

I am sure that many people were unaware of the inner turmoil I was going through after the birth.  I have a very good poker face, which usually only my mum and husband can see through.  I have to point out that unfortunately that doesn’t seem to work when I am actually playing poker, I am rubbish at it.  Although I have usually had wine and giggle too much, which probably doesn’t help.

I also think that some close to me didn’t realise how ill I actually was after the boys were born.  I hope this blog can change that.  I may not have had the strength to speak about it in detail to my nearest and dearest, but I do have the strength to write it – well I hope I do or this blog isn’t going to get very far.

I am keen to raise awareness of HELLP through the blog as well.  I have a fire in my belly to do that now; I would never have had the strength to do that a year ago.

One of my favourite bloggers, The Anxious Dragon, wrote a thought-provoking post on whether someone is a survivor or a victim; this has given me food for thought for the last 24 hours.  I am proud to be both.  I think that is what makes us human.

For more information on Counselling, please visit the NHS website

My Random Musings
My Random Musings
My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows


  1. January 30, 2016 / 5:26 pm

    Blogging is a great (free) therapy. I have used it over the past couple of years with this blog and my previous anonymous one to help excise many demons, and to quieten the chatter in my head that comes as a result of my anxiety.
    I am glad you have found your voice through blogging and wish you well on your journey xx

    • January 30, 2016 / 5:27 pm

      Thank you, I have been inspired by bloggers like you 🙂 x

  2. January 31, 2016 / 8:33 pm

    I also use blogging and have been talking to a therapist for about 4 months. They both have great benefits and you are right, it’s not a sign of weakness, but a show of great strength to seek help AND also share you experience. Keep up the great work. x #effitfriday

  3. February 1, 2016 / 2:37 pm

    Sorry to hear you have been through such a tough experience. I’m glad you are finding comfort in therapy and blogging
    x Alice

    • February 2, 2016 / 5:20 pm

      It’s been great for me, slightly addictive though. Think the hubby is fed up with seeing me type away into my laptop every night ha ha! X

  4. February 1, 2016 / 4:29 pm

    Great post which I’m sure will help lots of other people. Looking forward to following! #fartglitter

    • February 2, 2016 / 5:18 pm

      Thanks, I wasn’t sure whether to write it or not. Feel better now I have though! X

  5. randommusings29
    February 1, 2016 / 11:33 pm

    Love how honest this post is. I don’t think for a second getting therapy is a sign of weakness, it’s a sign you are strong enough to admit you need help and that you are willing to fight. I’m glad you got so much out of it.
    Thanks for linking up to #effitfriday

  6. February 3, 2016 / 12:57 am

    For sure I’d say people seeking therapy are brave rather than weak. It takes guts to admit you have a problem and not pretend everything is hunky dory. I hope it’s helping and you’re feeling better. Thanks for linking up to #fartglitter. I always love finding new blogs x


  7. Pingback: H = HELLP Syndrome

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